aagh

[wallermc]

it's me again.
same issue, different day.
i am still binging, still macro.
gave up purging 15 months ago.
i am still out of control with food.
my weight has been very low for a couple of years. recently i lost my job,
and i know it is due to my stressful food habits.
i overeat a lot--will spend days where i eat all day long.
and days when i'm not, i think about food all day
and what i can eat to maximize balance and rid myself of pain.
i am working to pray myself through this.
i spend nights eating all throughout the night, then throughout the day continuing the insanity.
the past few days, i let go, and am not trying to balance out the binging.
it is out of control. perhaps in divine order.
painful, and i know we all die anyways. i am not going to die from this any time soon.
might as well start living!

any advice for coming back to the center,
when the movtiavtion is not there at all???

[Manymoons]

Wallermc

Here are some ideas that may be f--d for thought. (I avoid using the four letter "f" word).

Life is so much more than eating. I think compulsive eating is an attempt to fill an emptiness that is far deeper than eating related hunger. We are a blend of yin and yang, when one or the other is missing, to varying degrees, we feel the emptiness and in desperate "need" we try to compensate in many ways, f--d being a common one. I speak from direct experience in this case.

Pain is a product of resistance. As a martial artist, I can attest this is true. The pain you experience is likely related to self esteem, self acceptance. This is a tough one and may be the very essence of living. We as people are happiest when we are fully ourselves. What else is there, really?

Finding that illusive something that we feel is missing can be a bugger, but is the secret key that must be discovered. There are many forces that continually push to force us outside ourselves that come from the outside as well as inside. The inside ones are generally outside forces that we have accepted and internalized as our own. But are they true? Generally not. Often they prove to be mere projections rooted in just another compensation of yin/yang deficiency.

I acknowledge that this is a difficult realm. It is the very stuff of living one's life. We resist yourselves and who we really are. This gets us into deep trouble that is not easy to get out of. But the key is to accept and be one's own self. Far easier said than done, in spite of how simple it really is.

I can accept you here on line, but what really matters is that you accept you--where ever you are. Its as easy as it is hard. My wife has what appears to be a heartless saying, but has proven many times to be true regarding people's state of self acceptance: " apparently they have not yet suffered enough!" Giving up the resistance to self is a very yin/yang thing -- not so much that you are a wet noodle ( forgive the f--d reference), but enough that you are not so ridged that you fracture easily.

Chew on on this a while, but you are not obliged to swallow it.
I do hope this is of value.

Manymoons

[Klara]

Manymoons,

As always, so thoughtful and deep

And a pleasant surprize, I haven't witnessed that sense of humor - I'll never look at censorship in the same way :>)

I know this answer was meant for wallermc, but it's unsettling for me too. I recognize that for 62 years (well, maybe less, don't know when the awareness began), ok, 52 + years I"ve been trying to solve that conundrum, who is the real me and can I be she?

And all due respect to your wife, but I don't want suffering to be my teacher - trying to put into words my feelings and watching all those smilies to the right of this text, especially the fencing onethe yin and yang fighting, then the rolling head (I suppose it's laughing but to me it just looks like help, don't know where my head is), then the dancing which looks like the yin and yang got together and got it figured out - now if that doesn't say it all!! and of course that perplexed one - ah says sick, well guess we are sick when we aren't balanced

well, that's cute, but cute doesn't really help me much - guess I'll just try to take my own advice and be more balanced in all. Starting with the f word

Klara